Questions to ask yourself if you’re thinking about getting into a new relationship
Questions to ask yourself if you’re thinking about getting into a new relationship
All too often it is either the topic of love or heartbreak that takes center stage. While it may pack less of a punch, preparing for a new relationship can be another way of taking time to understand ourselves, our patterns and our needs. We might also discover wounds that may still need tending. Connection is a place of definition. We come to know ourselves in relationship with others. And sometimes, we hide ourselves in others. It is the threading together of self-reflection and the lessons discovered through these relationships that growth towards our authentic self becomes possible. Asking ourselves some of these questions before entering into another committed partnership will help us build a foundation for more consciously coupling with another.
What kinds of partners have I chosen in the past? Do I notice any patterns? Sometimes we haven’t truly reflected on our relationships. We may have been choosing from a place of scarcity, fear or childhood wounds. We might find ourselves deeply attracted to someone without knowing much about whether or not we can build a future with them. Take some time to contemplate your previous relationships and what did/didn’t work for you about those relationships. What was the reason it ended?
What are my non-negotiables? Non-negotiables might be things like not continuing to date people that are emotionally unavailable. Or needing to be with someone that is committed to their personal growth. The definition of emotional availability and personal growth looks different for different people, so know what these look like for you. For some it might mean ending a relationship early on if their partner stops communicating for a few days without notice or if their partner ignores their requests for quality time.
What are my values? Knowing our values will also help us better define our non-negotiables. Perhaps one person values large gatherings, meeting new people or traveling to different countries. They might meet a potential partner who values quiet places, alone time, and being at home. They may have chemistry and deeply enjoy each other’s company, but may not be able to adequately integrate companionship or build a lasting life together in a way that leaves them both satisfied. Knowing our values is like a road map to fulfilling our needs. Our values don’t have to perfectly align with someone else, but they also should not be fighting to co-exist.
What does it feel like when I feel safe to be myself with someone? Whomever you are choosing you want to feel safe to be your full, authentic self. Ideally you become more “you.” The you-est you that you have ever been. Your partner naturally expands your authentic self, they do not make you fit into a smaller box in order for them to feel more comfortable. Our potential partners want us to grow, dream, create, both with them and independent from them. They want us to burn as bright as we possibly can and are eager to know how to support this.
When I’m in conflict with someone how do I tend to protect myself? This is typically when we might see the ways in which our wounded child shows up. For example, if I didn’t feel like my voice was important or heard as a child, I may tend to yell when I do not feel like my partner is understanding me. This is worth knowing and communicating to a potential partner. Perhaps someone else experienced constant yelling between their parents at home and yelling is deeply unsettling for them and causes them to shut down. It may be a non-negotiable for us or someone else or this could be an area of compromise. Knowing this about ourselves can help us prepare for the right partner to communicate with during conflict.
Do I know what brings me peace and am I actively creating this for myself? This question is simpler than it sounds. Do you find peace tending to your garden? Near a body of water? Do you make time for art or exercise or people that give you a sense of calm or ease? Know your places and people of peace, this will be your way back to yourself when you need it. Our partners are not, and should not, be our only source of this.
If you are having difficulties getting, staying or within a relationship, please feel free to reach out to any of our therapists here at CIC.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
