Understanding the Role of Anger in Healthy Boundaries and Relationships
Understanding the Role of Anger in Healthy Boundaries and Relationships
As an associate therapist working from an emotionally focused and psychodynamic perspective, I’ve learned that anger is a powerful, yet often misunderstood emotion. Many people believe anger is inherently bad or dangerous; something to avoid at all costs. However, when understood and channeled properly, anger can be one of the most important tools for establishing healthy boundaries and fostering fulfilling relationships.
Anger is often a signal, an emotional response that provides us with critical information about our needs, values, and limits. In my work, I’ve seen many clients struggle with expressing their anger–sometimes it is suppressed, or let out destructively, and often numbed with substances. The goal isn’t to eliminate anger but to be able to recognize, identify, describe, and express (R.I.D.E.) it effectively.
Anger as a Boundary-Setting Tool
Anger often arises when a boundary—emotional, physical, or psychological—has been crossed. Anger is not just a reaction; it’s a messenger. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of emotionally focused therapy (EFT), suggests that anger reflects unmet needs or fears in relationships. For example, if you feel dismissed, your anger might indicate a need for respect and recognition. Recognizing anger as a response to boundary violations helps us identify what we will and will not tolerate.
Studies by John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, found that partners who express anger constructively, without attacking each other, have healthier, longer-lasting relationships. This is because anger, when expressed appropriately, signals what behavior is acceptable and what is not in a relationship.
How to Use Anger Productively
When anger is used productively it can help to promote growth, understanding, and connection:
When anger arises, take a moment to pause and reflect on why you feel angry. This helps us understand the underlying issue and emotional regulation, essential for maintaining a productive conversation.
Anger often masks deeper emotions, such as hurt or fear. Recognizing the underlying need can help clarify what’s at stake and help you express your needs more effectively.
Once you understand what anger is signaling, it’s important to express it respectfully. Communicate clearly and calmly using "I" statements, like "I feel hurt when..." or "I need..." This helps to avoid blaming and lowers defensiveness.
Anger helps us set boundaries by signaling when they’ve been crossed. Setting clear boundaries isn’t about being rigid; it’s about creating respect and mutual understanding.
The Psychological Benefits Healthy Anger Expression
Using anger in a healthy way not only improves relationships but also boosts psychological well-being. Psychodynamic theory suggests that unresolved anger can lead to resentment, passive-aggressive behaviors, and even physical health issues. By processing anger, we reduce emotional suppression and increase emotional resilience.
Studies on emotional intelligence also show that people who are emotionally aware and can regulate their emotions tend to have better mental health. By recognizing, identifying, describing, and expressing anger constructively, we can build healthier emotional lives and deepen our understanding of ourselves and others.
Personal Reflection:
Reflect on a time when you experienced anger in a relationship (romantic, familial, or professional). How did you express it? Looking back, how could you have channeled that anger more productively to set a healthier boundary?Anger as a Messenger:
Consider a situation where you felt angry. What deeper emotions (e.g., hurt, fear, disappointment) might have been beneath the anger? How might identifying these underlying emotions have changed the way you approached the situation?Expressing Anger Respectfully:
Why is using “I” statements, like “I feel…” or “I need…,” essential in expressing anger constructively? Reflect on how this approach can minimize defensiveness and encourage healthier communication.Healthy Boundaries and Anger:
How can anger serve as a tool for setting boundaries in relationships? Provide an example where recognizing your anger helped you understand your needs and communicate them effectively.Anger in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT):
Dr. Sue Johnson suggests that anger often reflects unmet needs or fears in relationships. How does this perspective shift the way we typically view anger? How might this understanding influence therapeutic practices or personal relationships?Anger and Self-Awareness:
How can emotional self-awareness and anger regulation contribute to emotional resilience and better mental health? Share strategies that can help you become more aware of your emotional responses, particularly anger.John Gottman’s Research on Anger in Relationships:
According to John Gottman, couples who express anger constructively tend to have healthier, longer-lasting relationships. How can couples learn to express their anger in a way that promotes growth and connection, rather than creating division?Exploring the Fear of Anger:
Some people fear their own anger or the anger of others. What are the psychological roots of this fear, and how can we reframe our understanding of anger to view it as a healthy and useful emotion in relationships?
If you reel anger is a big part of your relationship and you need help establishing boundaries or any tools to support this emotion, please reach out to CIC, we are here for you!
About The Author
Helena Habes, MS, AMFT, an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT15024), is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). With a strong background in addiction treatment, Helena brings a compassionate, trauma-informed approach to therapy, creating a safe and supportive space for individuals and couples to heal and grow. Helena empowers clients to make lasting changes, strengthen their relationships, and create healthier patterns of communication and intimacy.
