Dealing with Discovery
Dealing with Discovery
When infidelity in a marriage is first discovered, feelings of shock, overwhelm and helplessness are almost always present for both the betrayer and the betrayed partner. Often, neither partner knows what to do, how to respond, how to make it better. The desperation, confusion, hurt, anger and pain are real and intense. The enormity of the crisis which the couple now faces can feel debilitating. I would like to offer some gentle suggestions for those early days, to help couples feel supported, guided and on the right track.
The first thing to know is that once infidelity is present in a marriage, it takes time to restore trust and equilibrium in the relationship. There is no fast track or magic wand to erase what happened, yet there is hope that trust can be restored when both partners do their work to heal.
Next, it is important for the couple to choose qualified support. It is always a good idea to choose a therapist who is trained to help with your specific problem, never more so than with infidelity or sex addiction. The wrong advice can do harm to a couple already in crisis. IITAP (International institute for trauma and addiction professionals) offers certification programs such as CSAT’s (certified sex addiction therapist) CPTT’s (Certified partner trauma therapist) which prepare and qualify therapists to work with the betrayer and the betrayed partner. Do yourself a favor and choose a CSAT or CPTT therapist.
For the betraying partner: What you need to focus on in these early days of discovery is being fully transparent, demonstrating willingness to be honest, and to do whatever it takes to repair your relationship. It helps to express deep regret and sorrow that you hurt your relationship and taking full responsibility over and over again for your actions. It is important that you learn how to listen to your partner express their feelings without getting defensive or avoidant and to offer validation and empathy for whatever they are experiencing. You may feel deep shame and guilt because of your actions, those feelings can be helpful and beneficial to you, when you use them as motivation for change. Be sure to stay away from the shame pit that keeps you stuck feeling worthless, and move into the guilt that recognizes that changed action is what is needed here.
For the betrayed partner: Know that your shock, anger and hurt are normal reactions to a betrayal. You may even experience symptoms of PTSD upon discovery. It is perfectly ok to need some space from your partner at this time, taking time to feel your feelings, processing your pain and soothing your distress. You may want to consider focusing on your own self-care, starting with the basics: eating well, getting enough sleep and engaging in movement that feels good to you. Using grounding tools and breathing techniques can help you with regulation. You will want to learn about setting boundaries that keep you safe. Choosing good friends or family members whom you trust to support you with compassion and non-judgement can help you through this crisis.
Here are additional resources, websites and articles which can be helpful to both partners.
Online Resources for Sexual Behavior, Relationship Intimacy, Couples Therapy
Sexaholics Anonymous: Find a Meeting | Sexaholics Anonymous
Sex addicts Anonymous: Get help with sex addiction. Find a recovery meeting today! - SAA
Practical, Science-Based Steps to Heal from an Affair
Should you require any support or wish to obtain further details, you are welcome to contact a therapist here at the Center for Integrative Change (CIC) or join a support group.
About The Author
Shoshana is a pre-licensed clinician supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
