Is it okay to take space from my spouse during an argument?
Is it okay to take space from my spouse during an argument?
When emotions run high, it can be difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively. One of the most powerful tools to manage conflict is learning how to take space during an argument. Taking space should not be done to avoid the issue, punish our partners with silent treatment or anger, but rather space is taken from a place of compassion. The time can be utilized for yourself and your partner to regulate your nervous systems and reflect. Our partners often trigger our deepest attachment wounds, so when we take space during a moment of conflict it’s important to do so thoughtfully.
1. Recognize When You Need Space
When tensions are high it can be hard to gauge whether continuing the conversation will lead to a productive outcome or just more frustration. We often get caught in the cycle of pursuing a conversation past productivity due to a need to be “right,” understood, or to feel things are resolved. Signs that it might be time to step away include:
- You feel overwhelmed, angry, or emotional to the point where you're no longer thinking clearly.
- You or your partner are starting to raise your voices or say things you don’t mean.
- You notice you're repeating yourself, and the discussion isn’t moving forward.
- You notice signs of distress such as labored or shallow breathing, sweating, high blood pressure, fight/flight or freeze responses
Recognizing these signs can help prevent the argument from escalating further and causing deeper hurt.
2. Communicate Your Need for Space Calmly
It’s important to express your need for space in a way that respects both your emotions and your partner’s. Rather than storming off or suddenly going silent, try to communicate your need for a break calmly and compassionately. You could say something like:
- “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I think I need a little time to process. Can we take a break and revisit this in 20 minutes?”
- “I’m getting really frustrated, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Let’s take some time apart and continue talking later.”
Being direct but gentle helps avoid misunderstandings and reassures your partner that you’re not abandoning the conversation, just taking a pause to calm down.
3. Set Boundaries for the Break
It’s essential to be clear about how long you need and what the expectations are during the break. Setting a time limit helps both you and your partner know when to reconvene and prevents one person from feeling abandoned or ignored. You can set a specific amount of time (e.g., 20 minutes, an hour) or agree on a time when you’ll feel ready to return to the conversation. It’s also helpful to clarify what the break will look like—whether it’s giving each other physical space, going for a walk, or engaging in a calming activity like journaling.
For example, you might say:
- “I need 30 minutes to myself, and then we’ll talk about it more calmly.”
- “Let’s take a 15-minute break and then call each other to talk again. I just need time to think.”
Having a defined timeframe ensures that the break doesn’t turn into avoidance, and gives both of you a chance to return to the conversation with a clearer head.
4. Reflect and Regulate
While you're apart, use the space wisely. This isn’t an opportunity to stew in anger or rehearse your arguments. Instead, focus on calming down and gaining perspective. Consider what triggered the argument and reflect on your own feelings:
- What are you really upset about?
- How can you communicate your feelings in a way that won’t hurt your partner?
- What would a resolution look like, and how can you work together to reach it?
This time can also be used to remind yourself of your partner’s perspective. Even if you disagree, it’s helpful to consider why they might feel the way they do. Taking this space for reflection can prevent you from returning to the argument with a defensive or aggressive mindset.
5. Reconnect and Continue the Conversation
After the break, it’s time to re-engage. Reconnect with your partner respectfully and start the conversation again, with a focus on listening and understanding. You might begin by acknowledging the time apart and thanking your partner for giving you the space you needed.
Try to start from a place of empathy:
- “I’m feeling a bit more calm now. I’ve thought about what you said, and I want to hear your side again.”
- “Thank you for letting me take a break. I’m ready to talk now, and I hope we can both be heard.”
If necessary, reframe the conversation by focusing on problem-solving, rather than assigning blame. The goal is to move from argument to resolution, with both partners feeling heard and understood.
6. Seeking Support
In some cases, repeated arguments or an inability to navigate conflict healthily may indicate deeper relationship issues. If taking space and returning to the conversation isn’t helping, it might be time to seek help from a therapist or counselor. Couples therapy can provide tools and techniques for better communication and conflict resolution, especially when arguments tend to become repetitive or emotionally charged.
Taking space during an argument isn’t about walking away or avoiding the problem—it’s about creating a moment of clarity so that both partners can return to the conversation in a healthier state. By recognizing when you need space, communicating it effectively, and using the break to reflect, you can avoid unnecessary escalation and work toward a solution with more patience and understanding. Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but with the right tools, it can become an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
