Understanding Anger in Relationships: A Path to Healthy Communication
Understanding Anger in Relationships: Developing a Path to Healthy Communication
Anger often gets a bad rap. It can be the most stigmatized of all the emotions as many of us do not have positive associations with anger, whether it be a parent, an old boss, or our own relationship to anger. It is a natural emotion that everyone experiences, but in the context of relationships, it can be particularly challenging. Anger often serves as a signal that something is wrong. It can let us know when a boundary has been crossed, when needs are going unmet or be a powerful motivator for much needed change. Yet how we manage and express that anger can significantly impact our connections with others.
Anger can stem from various sources, including unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or feelings of injustice. In relationships, it often arises from misunderstandings or unmet expectations. Recognizing that anger is a natural response to the above is the first step toward managing it constructively. So often it is our own discomfort with anger that creates the framework of how we respond to our partner’s anger.
Common Triggers of Anger
1. Communication Breakdown: Poor communication can lead to misunderstandings and frustrations.
2. Unresolved Conflicts: Past issues that haven’t been addressed can resurface and trigger anger.
3. Feeling Unsupported: When one partner feels neglected or misunderstood, it can lead to resentment.
4. Different Values: Conflicts may arise when partners have different perspectives on important issues.
When anger is expressed in unhealthy ways, it can lead to destructive behaviors such as shouting, stonewalling, or even physical outbursts such as punching walls or throwing things. These reactions can damage trust and intimacy. Conversely, when anger is acknowledged and addressed constructively, it can lead to growth, deeper connection and understanding.
Strategies for Managing Anger
1. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting, take a moment to breathe and consider your feelings. Does this feel like a response or a reaction? If we are reacting, what are we reacting to? What is the pain point? What might we need to do in order to self soothe before reacting?
2. Communicate Openly: Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For example, say "I feel upset when..." instead of "You always..." Approach with compassion and vulnerability.
3. Identify the Root Cause: Dig deeper into what is truly causing your anger. Is it about the current situation, or is it a lingering issue?
4. Set Boundaries: If certain topics consistently lead to anger, consider setting boundaries around them until you can discuss them calmly.
5. Seek Solutions Together: Approach conflicts as a team. Work together to find solutions rather than focusing on who's right or wrong.
6. Consider Professional Help: If anger continues to be a significant issue, couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore emotions and improve communication.
Anger in relationships, when managed effectively, can lead to greater intimacy and understanding. By acknowledging anger as a valid emotion and employing strategies to communicate it constructively, partners can strengthen their connection. Remember, the goal isn’t to eliminate anger but to understand and express it in a way that fosters growth and harmony in your relationship.
By addressing anger openly, you can create a healthier, more resilient partnership that can withstand the inevitable challenges life presents.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
