Steps Towards Practicing Accountability.
Steps towards practicing accountability.
One of the things that has struck me since becoming a therapist is how common it is that most of us have not had healthy examples of effective communication, particularly as it relates to being accountable. It is foreign to many of us to know how to listen, acknowledge, validate and apologize for harmful behavior. Much of our relational lives are often spent avoiding the discomfort of conflict or making “mistakes.” Thus it can seem counterintuitive at first to internalize ways in which our behavior may have caused harm. Namely, if we grew up in environments in which we were punished for making mistakes. It can be threatening, even in its smallest measure, to allow ourselves to be painted in a perceived negative light.
Inevitably, conflict arises in our relationships of course.. When it does we may oscillate from blaming others to blaming ourselves. Again, the reason for this being that accountability might feel too threatening to hold in its entirety. One might ask, isn’t blaming ourselves taking accountability? Perhaps over-accountability? The answer, I’m sorry to say is, no. When we punish ourselves for our mistakes, not only are we not taking responsibility we might also be making it the injured party's responsibility to console us. The message can be “you can’t possibly make me feel worse than I already feel towards myself. While this may very well be true, it can create relational disconnection. Our partner's goal might also not be to make us feel terrible about a behavior that has hurt them, their goal might be to get us to understand how the injury affected them. In punishing ourselves with self-criticism and shame we potentially miss the opportunity to connect to our partner's emotional world.
So let’s say a friend or romantic partner is coming to us with a hurt feeling, how do we practice accountability and what does this look like?
Listen to understand
Remember we are listening to understand from our loved one’s perspective. We are listening to hear their point of view, their perspective, their experience of us. We are not listening to develop counter-arguments or reasons why our partner/friend should not feel this way. We are listening to truly hear their feelings and subjective experience. If we become too activated and find that it is difficult for us to truly listen, we can vocalize this and ask for a time-out. It’s important to articulate that the time-out is for the relationship not against the openness of sharing. During this time-out we might tend to our own defenses; are we blaming others? Are we spiraling in our shame? How can we make efforts to show up for ourselves more fully so that we have more capacity for relationships?
Approach with curiosity
The opposite of judgment is curiosity. When you feel inclined to make assumptions, ask a question. We can sometimes get caught up in the idea that there is an “objective truth” in the conflict, when really, we are simply expressing our subjective reality to one another. My experience is not the only truth and your experience is not the only truth, but they are true for each of us, and that is what matters. Curiosity implicity says “I don’t know all the answers.” It is a gateway to empathy and validation, which can also be very effective in de-escalating conflict.
Understand your role in it
When something is relational we always have a role in the dynamic. It will serve us well in our relationships to shift the internal dialogue from “I don’t see how I could have possibly done anything wrong” to “What role might I have played in creating this dynamic.” For example, let’s say our partner is giving us the silent treatment. We may be inclined to be angry with our partner for shutting down or perceive it as punishing us for something we did/didn’t do. “This is a problem they have with their communication skills,” we might say to ourselves. Which in part may be true, but a better question to ask ourselves might be, “What about my behavior is contributing to my partner shutting down?”
Once we are better able to see our role in the cycle of behavior, we are more willing to take accountability for the impact of our actions on our partners rather than to just focus on our partner modifying their behavior. When we are both willing to recognize that we have a part to play in creating the disconnection, we also tend to be more willing to play an active role in the collaborative solutions.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
