Is Your Inner Critic Ruining Your Relationship?
Is Your Inner Critic Ruining Your Relationship?
Compassion is often thought of as something you provide to other people. You might complement your coworker for their hard work. You might soothe your child when they receive a bad score on a project. You might give your spouse a gift “just because,” and so on. Yet, when it comes to yourself, you may fall short. You fail to do nice things for yourself. Worst of all, your self-talk is a constant slew of criticism. Does this sound like you?
As it turns out, the ability to be self-compassionate not only impacts you but it affects your relationship with your significant other as well.
What is self-compassion?
Researchers Neff and Beretvas (2013) define self-compassion as the capacity to be kind to oneself amid one’s shortcomings and inevitable life crises. They have found that partners with low levels of self-compassion are likely to withdraw from their relationship. Lacking self-compassion may cause negative thoughts or emotions about the self that block intimacy. However, couples with increased levels of self-compassion report more relational well-being.
Moreover, the researchers explain that a self-compassionate stance is innately interdependent – meaning that an individual can simultaneously balance their autonomous needs and their relational needs. This provides individuals with the capacity to enact positive behaviors towards their partner, thereby fostering intimacy and connection within their relationship.
How to practice self-compassion?
You might be wondering how one can become more self-compassionate. Neff and Beretvas (2013) suggest that practicing mindfulness is helpful. “Mindfulness teaches people to notice the difficult thoughts and emotions that arise in present-moment awareness so that they can be experienced with kindness, acceptance, and non-judgment (Neff & Beretvas, 2013, p. 94).” There are many resources available to practice mindfulness which you can do on your own or with the help of a professional by seeking therapy. A therapist could help you understand your inner critic and teach you mindfulness skills to increase your self-compassion.
Some ways you can practice mindfulness today:
1. Start paying attention to your body.
Notice the different sensations and feelings that occur in your body without judging them. You can do this as you go through your typical daily routine.
2. Eat mindfully.
Attempt eating more slowly and consciously, becoming aware of the different flavors and impressions that arise as you consume your meals.
3. Try breathing exercises.
You can practice taking deep belly breaths or use breathing techniques to build your mindfulness capacities. Ultimately, relationships are composed of imperfect people. And that’s okay. Having compassion towards yourself allows you to acknowledge your flawed nature with care, instead of with cruelty. This outlook not only helps you in your relationship to yourself, but also improves your relationship with your partner.
Sources:
Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2011.639548
About the Author
Jackeline Morales, MS, AMFT143563 is an associate marriage and family therapist supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. She gained her master’s degree from California Lutheran University. She is dedicated to guiding individuals and couples towards greater self-awareness, helping them break free from unhelpful patterns that hinder personal growth and relational harmony. Jackeline is bilingual and can work with clients in English and Spanish. She has specialized training in trauma and employs a compassionate, relational, and collaborative approach in her work. Jackeline supports clients through navigating infidelity, interpersonal challenges, attachment issues, parenting struggles, grief, and complex trauma.
