Rebuilding Safety: How to Heal From Infidelity When You Have a History of Trauma
Rebuilding Safety: How to Heal From Infidelity When You Have a History of Trauma
Discovering infidelity in a relationship can feel like an earthquake shaking the very foundation of your world. If you have a history of trauma, this experience can be even more destabilizing, triggering old wounds and amplifying feelings of betrayal, fear, and hypervigilance. While the pain may seem insurmountable, healing is possible.
Rebuilding safety and trust, both within yourself and in relationships, is a gradual, compassionate process. With the help of approaches like somatic work and parts work, you can help your body and inner self feel secure and resilient again.
Why Infidelity Hits Harder When You Have a History of Trauma
Trauma leaves lasting effects—not only emotionally, but also in your body. When safety was compromised at an early age or in significant ways, your nervous system may have become wired to anticipate danger. Infidelity can reinforce the belief that the world isn’t safe, that people you rely on will hurt you, and that trust is always fragile. The betrayal may not just feel like a break in your relationship; it can echo deeper wounds from the past, such as abandonment, neglect, or emotional betrayal.
You might notice trauma responses being reactivated in the wake of infidelity. These could include:
Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for signs of further betrayal or danger.
Disconnection: Feeling numb, detached, or unable to process emotions.
Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn Responses: Struggling with anger, anxiety, freezing up emotionally, or people-pleasing to avoid conflict.
It’s important to give yourself grace as you experience these reactions. They're not signs of weakness; they’re your body and mind doing their best to protect you based on past experiences. The good news is that with awareness and intentional healing, the cycle doesn’t have to continue.
The Role of Safety in Healing
Before addressing the relationship or making decisions about the future, rebuilding your internal sense of safety is essential. Without a foundation of safety, it’s difficult to process emotions, reconnect with yourself, or make grounded choices. Healing starts with you because you deserve to feel safe in your own mind and body, regardless of what happens externally.
How Somatic Work Can Help
Trauma lives in the body. Even if you cognitively understand that the situation isn’t your fault, your body may still hold tension, fear, and pain from the betrayal. Somatic work focuses on tuning into these sensations to release stuck energy and restore balance within your nervous system.
Here are a few somatic practices you can try:
Grounding Exercises: Simple techniques like placing your feet firmly on the ground, feeling the support beneath you, or holding a weighted object can help you reconnect to the present moment.
Breathwork: Slow, deep breathing signals to your nervous system that it is safe to relax. Try inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, and exhaling for six.
Movement: Gentle yoga, walking, or even shaking out tension can release pent-up stress from your muscles.
Tracking Sensations: Take a few moments daily to scan your body. Notice areas of tension, warmth, or heaviness without judgment. Cultivating awareness helps build a sense of connection to yourself.
By listening to your body and addressing the physical imprint of trauma, somatic work lays the groundwork for healing not just from infidelity, but from the past.
How Parts Work Can Help
When dealing with betrayal and trauma, it’s common to feel like you’re at war with yourself. One part of you may feel overwhelming anger, while another part feels sadness, and another might try to numb it all out. This is where parts work, often used in Internal Family Systems (IFS), becomes a powerful tool.
Parts work helps you identify and understand the different "parts" of yourself that hold these emotions or beliefs. All parts have good intentions, even if their methods seem unhelpful at first. For example:
An angry part might be trying to protect you from being hurt again.
A sad, young part could be holding memories of past neglect or loss.
A critical part may believe it’s keeping you safe by blaming you, thinking that self-shame might prevent future pain.
Through parts work, you can offer these parts understanding, compassion, and guidance. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or fragmented, you begin to integrate these parts into a coherent sense of self. This process restores trust within yourself, which is key to rebuilding safety.
Practical Steps to Begin Healing
It’s normal to feel stuck or unsure of where to start. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin your healing process:
Seek Support: Working with a trauma-informed therapist can provide you with tools and guidance tailored to your unique needs. They can walk alongside you as you process emotions and rebuild trust in yourself.
Focus on Day-to-Day Safety: Create small, consistent rituals that foster security in your life. This could mean a morning routine, a weekly check-in with a friend, or turning off screens to enjoy time in nature.
Practice Self-Compassion: Your reactions are valid. Speak to yourself as you would a close friend, with kindness and understanding.
Set Boundaries: If the relationship is still ongoing, establish clear boundaries about communication and expectations. Prioritize your emotional well-being first.
Body Awareness: Slowly integrate somatic practices into your day. Healing begins when your body starts to feel that it is safe to relax and release.
Looking Ahead With Hope
Healing from infidelity when you have a trauma history is not a linear process, but it is a deeply meaningful one. Along the way, you’ll build a stronger connection to yourself, learning to trust your instincts and listen to your needs. You’ll find that safety doesn’t necessarily come from avoiding pain, but from discovering your own ability to face hardship with resilience and self-compassion.
Whether you choose to repair your relationship or not, the most important relationship you will always have is the one with yourself. Through somatic work, parts work, and intentional practices, you can create an inner sanctuary of safety that no external circumstance can take away.
Remember, healing is not about perfection. It’s about growth, discovery, and reclaiming your power. You are capable of creating a life filled with trust, love, and safety, starting from within.
About The Author
Alison Hochman has a master's in clinical psychology from California Lutheran University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136501) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). Alison helps people break free from self-destructive behaviors and limiting patterns to live their fullest and most authentic life.
