Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Entitlement
Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Entitlement
Have you ever felt like your partner somehow manages to justify their porn use or other sexual behaviors as a result of how sex looks in the relationship? Maybe you are the partner that ends up justifying sexual behaviors which fall outside of the spoken or unspoken agreements in the relationship. If this sounds familiar to you, sexual entitlement might be present in your relationship. But what is sexual entitlement? It's the belief that one partner is deserving of sex or sexual attention, regardless of consent or how their sexual gratification is achieved. This ingrained idea creates a cycle of disappointment and, more importantly, fosters a culture and relationships where people’s boundaries are disregarded and trust in relationships is eroded.
Sexual entitlement isn't always intentional. Societal messages bombard us with skewed portrayals of relationships, often emphasizing conquest over genuine connection. This lack of healthy examples can lead to confusion and a warped sense of entitlement.
The key to breaking the cycle lies in understanding and empathy. By recognizing the signs of entitlement, both in ourselves and others, we can open the door to healthier interactions.
Sexual entitlement isn't just about pressuring a partner for sex they're not ready for. It can also manifest as seeking sexual gratification outside the boundaries and expectations of your relationship. Turning to pornography or sex workers after your partner declines intimacy can be a way of acting out that entitlement, bypassing communication and intimacy in favor of a quick fix.
Here's why this matters: Committed relationships are built on trust and respect. When we resort to external sources of gratification after a rejection, it sends a message that your partner's desires aren't enough. It can create a sense of inadequacy and hurt feelings.
So, how do we break the cycle?
Open Communication: Talk openly and honestly about your needs and desires. What are your expectations around intimacy? What are some alternative ways you can connect with your partner when sex isn't on the table?
Respecting "No": A "no" is a complete sentence. Accepting your partner's boundaries, even when disappointed, builds trust and strengthens your connection.
Exploring Alternatives: There are many ways to express intimacy beyond intercourse. Explore cuddling, massages, shared hobbies, or simply talking.
Understanding Desire: Fluctuations in desire are normal. Stress, work schedules, and even health can impact libido. Talk openly about these factors and explore ways to support each other.
Remember, a healthy sex life is built on mutual respect and communication. By breaking the cycle of entitlement and fostering open dialogue, you can create a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship for both of you.
About the Author
Spencer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CALMFT141641) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
