Grief in no uncertain terms
Grief in no uncertain terms...
Last week, I lost my mom, and I was recovering from COVID all at the same time. I was grieving on so many levels; my energy was threadbare, and my heart was broken remembering all the things I was going to miss about my mom. Then there were those solemn moments when my tears overwhelmed me; what was that all about? My agency was showing me unexpected grace and love in the form of text messages, flowers and blog extensions. People do care, and I felt it. People who didn’t even know my mom or who she was. This is pure love.
We humans take so much for granted, and we can be so desperate when we realize we are in a state of “what now?” After losing my mom, I realized how much I missed our conversations. It didn’t seem like such a big deal. It was even kind of a chore to talk to her at times when I was so wrapped up in my life or school or work, and then she would call. Now those intimate moments are the ones that remain so meaningful to me, they are the ones that make me smile. Of all the things you have right now, enjoy those conversations with a parent, they are not going to be around forever and if you are blessed to have parents that you are in relationship with, you are very fortunate indeed.
My mom came from a generation where women had more traditional roles. As soon as she settled down, she chose to stay home to raise a family. Growing up in a different world than my mom, I remember thinking that she really didn’t understand who I am as a woman; how could she? I even remember thinking that she probably wouldn’t understand my relational dilemmas; I mean, how could she when relationships are much more complex, and men and women have such different expectations of one another? The truth is my mom did not need to understand my world to be a part of it. Just like you don’t have to experience every life experience to understand what it may mean to someone else. The point here is to give your parents an opportunity to understand your world and then decide what you will or won’t be talking about with them. I was secure in my identity, and I had made up my mind some time ago that I did appreciate my parents as my “friends” and that as long as we both respected one another’s boundaries (which we did), we could enjoy this connection for years to come.
My mom is gone, and I appreciate the friendship we shared. I hope I can enjoy that kind of friendship with my grown kids and my friends, too. Life is so precious, and until you lose someone so dear, it is even harder to imagine life without their life. The wisdom in all of this is to remember that we will always have fond memories and the rest of our lives to enjoy those treasured moments. Thanks, Mom.
People tend to believe that grief shrinks over time
What really happens is that we grow around our grief
Please contact a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change and let us help you if you are experiencing difficulties with a grief.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
