Communication Tip
Communication Tip
Speech is our gift as human beings. Through speech we get to express and share our thoughts and feelings with others, essentially connecting us to one another. Intimacy and closeness between two people is built upon healthy sharing and listening. Nevertheless, so many of us find it difficult to express ourselves, and hard to sit and listen to the people we love. We yearn for better communication in our relationships and greater closeness with others.
I would like to share a simple tip with you, to help improve your communication. I have found it to be powerful in my work with clients and in communication with my loved ones.
Tip: replace the word BUT with AND.
Consider the meaning of these two sentences.
I hear how hard this is for you BUT we need to go now.
I hear how hard this is for you AND we need to go now.
How do they each land with you? What is your gut level feeling for which one feels more validating? Who holds the power in each one of these sentences?
The dictionary defines the word BUT as follows: “used to introduce a phrase or clause contrasting with what has already been mentioned.”
AND is defined as: “used to connect words of the same part of speech, clauses, or sentences, that are to be taken jointly.”
In other words, the word BUT contrasts the first half of the sentence with the second, which is usually heard as negating the first part of sentence, invalidating it, erasing and replacing it with the second half of the sentence, whereas AND conveys that both the first half of the sentence and the second half are equally valid and respected.
Without even realizing it, when the word BUT is used in sentences, (and now you’ll start noticing how often you use that word) we may be trying so hard to be empathetic, and we are still conveying the unspoken power message of: “I hear you, but I am right, you are wrong, and it is going to be my way, not yours. I have more power than you.” This leaves the listener feeling frustrated, manipulated and invalidated. They are often confused and feel guilty for feeling so, because they recognize that the first half of the sentence should feel validating, yet they still don’t feel the validation.
When we use the word AND, we convey a very different power message, that what you’re saying is valid and what I’m saying is also valid. I hear you and there’s also space for you to hear me. Our opinions are equally valid and are to be equally respected and honored. Let’s work collaboratively so that we can both get our needs met.
This is what healthy power looks like in action.
If this resonated with you, bring this tip to your partner, see what they think, if they hear it too. Practice catching yourself using the word ‘but’, and try replacing it with ‘and’, notice how that impacts your communication.
My hope is that this simple change in semantics brings you a step closer to greater connection and communication with the people you love!
About The Author
Shoshana is a licensed clinician (ASAT) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
