How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Talking about sex with your partner can feel tricky or uncomfortable, especially if you’re unsure how they’ll react or if sensitive topics arise. Many people fear embarrassment, rejection, or hurting their partner’s feelings, which can create a barrier to open communication. However, having honest conversations about your desires, boundaries, and concerns is vital for building trust, deepening intimacy, and ensuring a healthy, satisfying relationship. In other words, you aren’t going to have a good sex life unless you talk about it with your partner. I’ve curated a list of four questions to ask each other to help you get started on this conversation.
How can I know when you want sex?
This question is important because you may be on completely different pages about what initiating sex looks like. For example, initiating cuddling may be a sign for some people that they want sex, while for others, it may simply mean they want to cuddle. If you don’t discuss what wanting and initiating sex looks like for each of you, it will be challenging to get on the same page.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most comfortable, how comfortable are you talking about our sex life with me?
This question matters because everyone grows up with different family rules and cultural norms about sex — even if it’s the unspoken idea that sex should never be discussed. Exploring how comfortable both you and your partner are with discussing intimacy is crucial for identifying and overcoming any barriers to communication. For some couples, talking about sex might feel so unnatural that scheduling a dedicated "meeting" to talk may help, while for others, it might feel more organic.
Do you experience any anxiety or insecurity during sex? If so, what are your concerns?
This question encourages openness so you can address any anxieties or insecurities that may affect your intimacy. A healthy sex life should be free from fear or discomfort, but reaching that point often requires understanding and support from your partner. By talking openly, you can work together to ease these feelings and create a more positive sexual experience.
What is your idea of a successful sexual experience?
This is my favorite question because it invites reflection on what "good sex" means to each of you. Some people define a successful sexual experience as mutual orgasm at the same time, which is a very specific and often challenging goal. Others may see success as enjoying mutual pleasure, being playful, or simply feeling connected with their partner, regardless of whether orgasm occurs. Expanding your definition of “good sex” can lead to more fulfilling and enjoyable intimacy. Take the time to explore each other’s perspectives and embrace a broader mindset about sexual satisfaction.
Want to talk more about how to communicate about sex? Interested in working through any limiting beliefs or anxieties around intimacy? Schedule an appointment today!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
