Should I leave my relationship?
Should I leave my relationship? Key questions that may help you make your decision.
We are wired for connection. Relationships serve a fundamental part of human connection, but sometimes, they can become a source of confusion and emotional turmoil. But how much turmoil is ‘too’ much? How do we know when we’ve reached our breaking point? When you're unsure whether to stay in a relationship or walk away, it’s normal to feel torn. The decision to stay or leave isn't easy, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. However, there are key signs and thoughtful questions you can ask yourself that might help clarify whether staying in the relationship is in the best interest of your overall wellbeing and to the person you are becoming.
Assess Your Emotional Well-Being
A healthy relationship should uplift you, support you, and bring you peace. If being in your relationship consistently leaves you feeling drained, anxious, or unappreciated, it’s worth examining why. Do you feel more emotionally exhausted than fulfilled? Are you constantly questioning your self-worth or feeling insecure? If your emotional well-being is consistently compromised, it may be time to consider if this relationship is doing more harm than good.
Are You Growing Together or Apart?
One of the hallmarks of a strong relationship is mutual growth. Partners should be able to evolve individually and together, supporting each other's personal and shared goals. If your aspirations, values, or goals are drifting apart and there’s no effort to realign or grow together, this can create long-term issues. Relationships need both partners to nurture them, so it’s crucial to assess whether you’re growing together or if the gap is widening beyond repair.
Ineffective Communication
Healthy communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship. If you find yourself constantly misunderstood, or if arguments are frequent, unresolved, or escalating without resolution, this is a red flag. Communication issues often indicate deeper problems, and while they can be worked through with effort, they can also reveal fundamental incompatibilities. If efforts to improve communication are repeatedly unsuccessful, it could signal that it’s time to reassess the relationship’s viability.
Trust and Respect
Trust and respect are non-negotiable elements of any healthy relationship. At its core a healthy romantic relationship has a healthy friendship; lines of respect we are unwilling to cross. Without them, the foundation of the relationship begins to crumble. If trust has been broken—whether through betrayal, lies, or disrespect—repairing it can be difficult. While it’s possible to rebuild trust, it requires commitment from both partners. If there’s a pattern of distrust or disrespect that has gone unaddressed, it may be a sign that the relationship is no longer healthy for either person involved.
How You Feel About Your Future Together
Another important question to ask yourself is: Do you see a future with this person? Can you imagine building a life together, or does the thought of a future with them leave you feeling unsure or trapped? If you're constantly doubting or unable to envision a long-term partnership, this could signal a deeper issue. Being with someone who doesn't share your vision for the future—or whose vision is incompatible with yours—can lead to unhappiness in the long run.
Consider your nervous system
Do you feel your body relax or retract around this person? Are you able to find your inner calm or do you often feel you are walking on eggshells? A relationship ultimately should not compromise your mental or physical health. If you find yourself feeling depressed, anxious, or unhealthy due to the stress in your relationship, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being. Prolonged negative effects on your health are not something to be overlooked. This could be an indication that the relationship is taking a significant toll, and no relationship should make you feel like you’re sacrificing your health or happiness.
Patterns of Conflict and Repair
Disagreements are natural, but how conflicts are handled is what matters. If every disagreement leads to a cycle of unresolved issues, resentment, or even verbal or physical abuse, it’s a red flag. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be committed to resolving conflicts in a respectful and constructive way. If the relationship is characterized by constant fighting with no resolution or improvement, it could be time to reconsider its future.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel acknowledged and valued for who they are. If you feel invisible, unheard, or constantly overlooked, this can lead to feelings of loneliness and frustration. Being in a relationship where you don’t feel valued can be emotionally damaging and may signal a deeper incompatibility or imbalance in the partnership.
Are You Both Willing to Work on It?
No relationship is perfect, and all couples face challenges. However, relationships can endure when both partners are willing to work on issues and grow together. If one or both partners have stopped trying to make things better, it can be a sign of emotional disengagement. Without mutual effort, the relationship will likely continue to deteriorate. Ask yourself if both of you are invested in the relationship’s growth and future. If the answer is no, it may be time to walk away.
Trust your intuition
Sometimes, your intuition is the clearest signal of all. If you’re feeling deep inside that something isn’t right but can’t put your finger on it, trust your gut. Often, our instincts can pick up on things that our conscious mind may ignore. If something doesn’t feel right, it’s important to take that feeling seriously and evaluate whether the relationship is meeting your needs and desires.
Deciding whether to stay or leave a relationship is never simple, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. The process of evaluating a relationship is complex, requiring honest introspection, emotional awareness, and a willingness to prioritize your well-being. While relationships are a source of immense joy, they should never compromise your sense of self-worth, happiness, or health.
If you’re experiencing consistent emotional or physical distress, or if you find that you’re no longer growing together, it may be time to consider whether staying is in your best interest. Ultimately, the choice is yours—but making that decision with clarity, self-compassion, and respect for both yourself and your partner will guide you toward a healthier, more fulfilling future.
About The Author
Jenean Cervantes has a master's in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT138534) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity and childhood trauma. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective.
