Why Do I Do the Things That I Do?
Why Do I Do the Things That I Do?
I think there has been a point in each of our lives where we pause and ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this?” Or maybe, “I know what I want to do, but why can’t I do it?” This question has been asked for as long as humans have existed. Almost two thousand years ago, an author named Paul wrote in the Bible, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Over two thousand years ago, the Buddha said, “It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.” Well, okay great. In Taylor Swift’s own words we can recognize, “I’m the problem, it’s me,” but it still doesn’t tell us how we stop being the problem.
I wish this could be solved in three easy steps, but often understanding why we do the things we do requires patience and changing our habits and behaviors may be a lifelong journey. However, let me share three components to understanding yourself and your behavior that can offer some practical guidance on your own personal journey.
Step One: Compassion
First of all, the truth is that we have all done some pretty messed up things in our lives. A principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that, “hurt people, hurt people.” This doesn’t mean that you can blame your angry outbursts on your alcoholic parents, but it does mean that you probably unconsciously learned unhealthy coping mechanisms to protect yourself when you needed to. With this idea in mind, it is so important to offer yourself self-compassion. This can be hard, but I believe that it is vital to the healing process. Understand that you have been hurt, maybe even as a young child, and you were trying your best to protect yourself. Instead of blaming yourself, can you try and offer yourself some compassion? Many people are struggling which is sometimes easy to forget, especially in the world of social media. If you are brave enough to start this journey yourself, here are some recommendations on how to build self-compassion from Harvard Health. However, I do recommend involving a trusted friend or even a professional therapist when seeking self-compassion because having someone else affirm your worth can be so powerful.
Step Two: Reflection
Another important step in understanding why we do the things we do is intentionally taking the time to reflect upon each part of our behavior. A tool that I find really helpful in doing this is called the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Behavior Chain.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Behavior Chain
The idea behind this is that our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all connected to one another and prompt each other, sort of like a chain reaction. In order to use this tool, start by identifying your problem behavior that you would like to analyze. From here, you can look at the prompting event, or what seemed to directly lead to your behavior. You can also think about your vulnerability levels from even before the prompting event took place. Maybe you were exhausted or maybe you were stressed about an upcoming event. Then, it is important to think about what links led from the prompting event to the problem behavior. It may seem like there was nothing in-between the prompting event and the problem behavior, but I promise you that there was, even if all of the links happened in a single second. Links can be different thoughts or feelings that led to the behavior. This requires you to slow down and look inward. Lastly, there are the consequences of the problem behavior. These are usually more obvious.
An example of a completed behavior chain is as follows:
Vulnerability: I was stressed about paying rent this month so my patience level was already wearing thin.
Prompting Event: My partner told me that they didn’t like the dinner that I cooked.
Links: I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I felt embarrassed. I felt frustrated because my partner doesn’t ever help cook dinner.
Problem Behavior: I yelled at my partner and slammed the door as I left the room.
Consequences: Our children were scared. My night was ruined. I didn’t feel close to my partner. My partner was upset with me.
Once you complete your behavior chain, you can look at the different parts of the “chain reaction” and identify where the chain could be broken and ultimately lead you to a different outcome. When looking at the above example, I may be able to look at my link of feeling like I wasn’t good enough and say something like, “When you say that, it hurts my feelings because I worked hard on this meal and it makes me feel like you don’t appreciate me.” Or, it could be a good opportunity for a breathing exercise or a self-affirmation. The point is, what is something that you can do to change the trajectory that you normally follow? Identifying this and making a plan is going to help you decide where to focus your energy and attention when seeking behavior change.
Step Three: Seek Help
Identifying, understanding, and changing behaviors is something that is easier said than done. You can definitely start this process on your own, but I also recommend getting help if it feels overwhelming or even impossible. If you are in distress about your own thoughts and behaviors, I encourage you to reach out to our care specialist, as we have multiple experienced therapists who would love to help guide you through this journey.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
