Mother Hunger
In her book “Mother Hunger,” Kelly McDaniel explores the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family system. She describes three crucial necessities to raise an emotionally healthy child: nurturing, protection, and guidance.
Were you NURTURED?
Your mom may have remained consistently disconnected, or too preoccupied to read a book to help you fall asleep at night or failed to comfort you, especially when you were hurting. She may have ignored your feelings and wanted you to be there for her instead, as in caring for her pain and soothing her worn nerves. A caregiver who was not at all interested in you as a unique person, with gifts, talents, and treasures. Your mom may have had an addiction or mental or physical illness that superseded her ability to care for you. You may have had a sibling who was chronically ill that required more time and energy from your mom with nothing left to give to the rest of the family.
Were you PROTECTED?
Let’s say your mother had to work at an extremely early hour each day and was unable to give you a ride to school. Perhaps you were very young (7, 8 or 10 years old) and it was up to you to get up on time and get yourself to school rain or shine. This was endangering no matter how close you lived to the school. Or how about a primary caregiver who was too busy or too inebriated to pick her child up from school. As a child you needed a reliable caregiver to feel safe and create stability in your world.
Were you GUIDED?
You may have been free to explore the neighborhood without responsible and reasonable boundaries and limits. A parent who explains that this is where you can ride your bike and this is what time I am expecting you to return home, is shepherding a child responsibly. A neglectful parent may not have the capacity to help a child, so she is left to provide guidance and supervision for herself. You may have had to figure out how to do homework or what to do in an emergency or how to cook for yourself, creating a sense of ambiguity and a feeling of abandonment.
What can I do?
Kelly McDaniel has eloquently described the various forms of neglect that can shape our experiences in life and continue to impact us as adult women. In her writing, Kelly explains that it is not about blaming our caregiver, they may have been victims of neglect themselves or had other unmanageable circumstances like an abusive partner. Instead, she helps to shed light on how mother-daughter relationships can become complex when nurturing, guidance and protection are absent.
It's often difficult to make the connection to mother hunger. You may find emotional comfort in overeating (food addiction) or have betrayed a partner by acting out (sex addiction) or are on the receiving end of betrayal (partner trauma). If so, and you identify with one or more of the missing necessities, it may be time to explore this with an informed therapist. If you are ready feel free to give us a call so we can begin this conversation with you.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
