A Guide to Using Guilt for Your Good
Stepping out of the shadow of porn and into the light is one of the most difficult things to do. Maybe you have a partner who doesn’t know about these behaviors of yours. Maybe your partner is aware that porn used to be an issue but is under the assumption that it is a thing of the past. Maybe your partner has caught you using porn in the past, and you swore that would be the last time, only to find yourself hiding your behaviors once again. Regardless of how this information is being concealed and from who, it can be one of the most difficult decisions to make these things known. To set the tone for this post, I want to assure you that you are not alone and that there is a way out. Two of the general emotional experiences that tend to muddy the waters and sow confusion are the experiences of guilt and shame. These experiences often get tangled up and even used synonymously when describing one’s experiences of recovery.
In this article, I am going to provide a few tools to help untangle these experiences and use that knowledge to help you repair relationships not only with others but with yourself also.
First, we need to understand the differences between guilt and shame. To identify these differences, I’ve listed common thoughts and messages that guilt brings up and common thoughts and messages that shame brings up:
Shame says:
You are selfish
You are a failure
You are unforgivable
You are not trustworthy
You are disgusting
You aren’t capable of self-control
You don’t have what it takes to quit
There is something inherently wrong with you
You hurt everyone you get close to
If they really knew you, they would reject you
You will be stuck doing this behavior forever
Guilt says:
You broke trust
You may have acted in a selfish way
Your partner is hurt by your actions
You did not act in alignment with your values
This is a difficult behavior to gain control over
Others might be surprised to find out you struggle with this
Your behaviors help you feel better in the moment, but they leave you feeling alone and distant from your partner.
You did not utilize self-control in that moment
Effects of these messages
While both of these columns contain difficult things to hear, there is a slight but important difference in their nature. While the shame column speaks to core beliefs and what feels like condemning judgments of one’s character, guilt speaks to behaviors that were done and their potential outcomes without making a judgment. If the shame voice is accurate, if these core beliefs and judgments are internalized, then what does one do with that information? Where is one moved to as a result of internalizing these shameful voices? Often, those who internalize these shameful voices are moved to isolation, retreat, and hiding. If we were to add an effect to these statements by placing “therefore” after each of them, then what would follow? In my experience, what follows is the belief that one needs to hide, retreat, and isolate themselves. Here is the shame column again, only with the added effects of these messages:
You are selfish; therefore, you must isolate
You are a failure; therefore, you must hide
You are unforgivable; therefore, you must avoid being known
You are not trustworthy; therefore, you must retreat
You are disgusting; therefore, you must fake who you are
You aren’t capable of self-control; therefore, you need to give up
You don’t have what it takes to stop; therefore, you must lie
There is something inherently wrong with you; therefore, you need to defend yourself
You hurt everyone you get close to; therefore, you need to not allow yourself to get close to anyone
If they really knew you, they would reject you; therefore, you need to avoid intimacy
You will be stuck doing this behavior forever; therefore, you might as well give in
What do we do about it?
Do you find yourself isolating, hiding, avoiding intimacy, giving up, lying, defending? If so, there are likely some really good reasons you are doing so. However, I challenge you to ask yourself, what is the isolation, hiding, giving up, lying, and/or defending “there for”? You may come to find that those actions are there for the purpose of addressing internalized shame which leaves us with the question, “so what do we do about it?”
I mentioned earlier that shame moves us to behave in the ways listed above. Similarly, I am suggesting we allow guilt to move us where it would like for us to go. So, where does guilt want to move us? To answer this question, I’ll list the guilt voice column below with its respective effects:
You broke trust; therefore, you can repair it if they allow you
You may have acted in a selfish way; therefore, you are working toward recovery
Your partner is hurt by your actions; therefore, you will own your mistakes and apologize
You did not act in alignment with your values; therefore, you will grow in your understanding and compassion toward yourself so you can meet your needs in ways that work better for you
This is a difficult behavior to gain control over; therefore, you are gaining support and resources to help maintain sobriety
Others might be surprised to find out you struggle with this; therefore, you will build a support system to be with you through this process
Your behaviors help you feel better in the moment, but they leave you feeling alone and distant from your partner; therefore, you will find constructive ways to request your needs from your partner while respecting and honoring theirs
You did not utilize self-control in that moment; therefore, you can gain insight and understanding for what made that moment difficult
Guilt as an advantage
This may be an unpopular view, but what I am asserting here is that guilt can actually be our friend in recovery. While shame is the voice that motivates us to turn our distress, imperfections, and feelings into a prison, guilt is the voice that empowers us to turn our distress, imperfections, and feelings into a point of connection with those we love. While shame says we have no hope, guilt says this is hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. While shame wants us to withdraw from our relationships and isolate ourselves, guilt encourages us to be known and repair important relationships in our lives.
I want to be clear in acknowledging that shedding shame and utilizing our feelings of guilt to our advantage is really hard work. However, the burden of shame is much harder work and gets harder with no reward, while the burden of guilt, which calls us into the light and toward connection with ourselves and others, gets easier and produces priceless gains.
About the Author
Spencer is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT 121457) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
