The Letter of Atonement
Understanding Formal Disclosure: The Letter of Atonement
After the acting out partner presents his disclosure and the betrayed partner shares her impact letter, the acting out partner presents what is known as the restitution letter or letter of atonement.
My partner wrote his letter so that it would speak to some of the overarching themes of my letter of impact. It is not a letter written to address each item in the impact letter but rather to speak about how this created an opportunity for him to make concrete changes that will continue to build trust and hope after betrayal.
Support from a Therapist During This Stage of Disclosure
Many men and women who have reached this stage in the healing process will have a therapist working alongside them to edit and refine the letter so that the true meaning will rise to the surface. This is not a long process but one that requires the insight and wisdom of a qualified therapist who can offer a helping hand and some very wonderful editing.
After the letter is written, the partner will read this to the betrayed spouse either alongside his therapist or in a meeting place (the beach or marina, for instance) that is special to the partner. Either way, the writer will read the content of the letter and allow the partner to soak in the beauty of the words, which will likely feel like a breath of fresh air.
The Power of the Atonement Letter
A well-written letter of atonement can be a powerful way to express the compassionate empathy and understanding the betrayed partner has been longing to hear. It is a unique way to bring the couple to the next level in relationship healing.
When my partner wrote his letter of atonement, he decided to ask me how I would like to do this part; with our therapists or alone and with one another? I decided to do it at the marina where I had read my impact letter to him a week earlier.
My Personal Experience with My Partner’s Letter of Atonement
It turned out to be a beautiful day with blue skies and the warmth of the sun. We had our usual yoga practice together and then we found an out of the way place to lay down a blanket with no one else around.
I wasn’t sure what to expect and I was very intrigued because I knew this was the beginning of an entirely new version of our relationship. Perhaps it is in the way we had been working so tirelessly with our therapists or maybe it was the symbolism of disclosure, impact and now atonement that made this seem like the finish line for us. I had been waiting a long while for this moment.
Furthering Reconciliation and Hope through the Letter of Atonement
What I know to be true for me and maybe for you one day is that the letter of atonement was a powerful tool that revealed to me that my partner was not only committed to the relationship he was committed to not doing what unraveled our relationship before. He had learned a better way to show up in our relationship, he had a greater respect and deeper love for both of us and a vision for our future. I fell in love with him for the second time in my life that day.
If you are considering a letter of atonement as part of your healing process, please contact a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change and let us help you and your partner discover what will be beneficial for the healing of your relationship.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
