Learning About Your Pain Cycle in Your Relationship
Learning About Your Pain Cycle in Your Relationship
Do you ever surprise yourself with how mean you can be to the person you love the most? You would never act this way with your friends, but for some reason, you emotionally hit your partner right where you know it will hurt the most. And they hit right back.
Intimate relationships have an uncanny way of activating our unhealthy tendencies. When we get stuck in this reactive cycle with our partner, therapists will often refer to it as the pain cycle. The pain cycle is a way to map out what is going wrong in our interactions with one another so that we can begin to address it. Grab your partner and cozy up because I will give you some step-by-step instructions on how to complete this right now at home.*
*If you are worried for your safety or feel that you are unable to complete this activity without professional help, please do not attempt this activity until you contact a licensed professional.
Identifying the Pain Cycle
Step One: Pick an Argument
Pick an argument that both you and your partner can remember well. This can be a recurring argument or a one-time argument - as long as you feel that it is a good representation of how your arguments usually go. This step is optional, but it can be a really helpful place to start.
Step Two: Identify Your Feelings
Either using the sample argument that you identified or your general knowledge of yourself, identify how you feel in conflict situations. Of course, we can all feel many different ways, so try to stick to your top five feelings. Here is a helpful list of feelings provided by Victory Church that you can use to help you pick. Feel free to identify feelings that aren’t on the list as well.
Step Three: Identify Your Reactions
Either using the sample argument that you identified or your general knowledge of yourself, identify how you react in conflict situations. Again, try to pick your top five reactions. Here is a helpful list of reactions provided by Victory Church that you can use to help you pick. Feel free to identify reactions that aren’t on the list.
What Now?
Congratulations! You have completed a pain cycle with your partner. Now comes the extra fun part… breaking the cycle. There are two main skills you can practice here: being able to identify when you are in the cycle and learning how to speak to one another’s feelings. When working with couples, I’ve noticed that when couples are stuck in the pain cycle, they are usually reacting to one another’s reactions. When couples are able to slow down, identify their feelings, and communicate their feelings to their partner, it provides a great opportunity for an empathetic response, resulting in connection.
For more in-depth information on your relationship’s pain cycle and how to break out of it, contact one of our therapists today!
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
