Healing Your Inner Child
Healing Your Inner Child
Have you ever wondered why therapists are often so intent on exploring your childhood experiences as a way of understanding who you are today? It might seem as though those are things of the past, so why would they matter today?
The concept of the inner child can help us understand why it matters. This concept is not specific to any psychological theory. However, it can be understood under a Freudian umbrella and incorporated into more modern psychology theories. Freud believed that exploring our childhood experiences holds a key to understanding who we are today. Similarly, working with the inner child seeks to explore significant childhood memories and begin to understand how they impact us as adults. Although those experiences and memories are far behind us, they matter today, because it was in those experiences that we learned how act and react when faced with similar experiences and the feelings they summon.
For example:
- Perhaps as a child, you learned that you could not be angry as anger was not tolerated well by those around you. Therefore, you learned to suppress your anger. You never developed a healthy relationship to anger or understood what your anger was trying to tell you. You might find that you still struggle with hearing or validating your own anger and may now experience anger outbursts as a result of constant suppression.
- Perhaps as a child, you learned that crying was a sign of weakness instead of a signal that you needed support. You may now struggle with asking for help and letting yourself cry. You may feel the need to be overly independent and not ask others for help when you are in need. You may feel you are falling apart when you experience sadness and need to cry.
- Perhaps, you found joy in every little thing as a child and were silly. However, you were not able to enjoy this due to your many responsibilities and need for survival. Now, you may be overly responsible and rigid and struggle to feel joy. You may also have a hard time going with the flow and letting go of control.
Whatever the case may be for you, your inner child can get activated when you are placed are similar scenarios as your childhood that elicit similar feelings. This might cause you to act a certain way without even understanding why you are acting that way. Your inner child can show up in relationships and even make it feel like your partner is your parent instead of your partner.
So, how can you heal your inner child so that you can live a more full, emotionally healthy life? It starts with paying attention to your childhood experiences.
Ask yourself:
- What do I remember from ages 0-5?
- What do I remember from ages 5-10?
- What do I remember from ages 10-15?
- How have these experiences impacted me?
Allow whatever comes up to be, validating to your inner child that their feelings matter and that you now as an adult are here to support them. You can tell yourself things such as “It is okay for me to feel this way,” and “I am allowed to feel like this.” The more you tend to your inner child and listen to your needs, the more you will heal yourself and support your emotional wellbeing. In turn, you will see this impact all your significant relationships and your ability to tolerate distressing feelings. You can also work with your mental health provider to help you build the safety you need for your inner child.
About the Author
Jennifer is an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT137148) and an associate professional clinical counselor (APCC 13125) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (CAMFT90961). Jennifer's experience includes crisis intervention, addiction medicine, outpatient and inpatient treatment for a variety of mental health needs. In her free time, Jennifer enjoys spending time with her family and friends barbecuing, spending time in nature, and traveling and exploring new places.
