Building Trust With Your Partner After You've Betrayed Them
When Trust is Broken
If your infidelity or secretive behavior has just been discovered, you may be experiencing broken trust in your relationship. Whether your partner found out what you have been doing by looking through your phone or computer, or you decided to tell them, they are likely feeling crushed and experiencing a variety of difficult emotions. Healing your relationship after betrayal is not easy, but if you are willing to put in the work it is possible.
It is important to know that your partner’s world has probably been flipped upside down by the recent information, and they need a safe environment to heal. While being in therapy and working through betrayal trauma is important (and even essential), there are also some other practices that you can do to help create safety. While following certain practices are not guaranteed to make the road smooth, they can help build trust little by little. If you are looking for some help to build trust, keep reading for some practical suggestions.
*Please note that if you have not disclosed your secretive behavior to your partner, it is advisable to discuss this with a trained therapist (such as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) to determine the next beneficial steps. In addition, these practices should be done in the context of you stopping your secretive behavior, otherwise it will be impossible to rebuild trust.
Helpful Tips
Initiate a conversation with your partner and discuss any future behaviors they would want to know about, and identify specifically what behaviors would be considered a “relapse.” Discuss which future behaviors you are committing to telling your partner about, and which ones are acceptable to talk to your support system or therapist about instead. Regardless, your behavior cannot be a secret anymore and it will be important to have clear expectations about the information that will be disclosed.
Have clear discussions with your partner about what boundaries they would like to have. For example, your partner may want you to avoid having one on one interactions in a private space with a person of the opposite sex. Or, they may desire that you keep your phone outside of the restroom when you are in there since that is where you engaged in secretive behavior in the past. Regardless of what your partner is desiring, the fact that you are open to committing to certain boundaries that would allow them to feel more comfortable can speak volumes.
Validate your partner's feelings regardless of whether they make sense to you or not. Know that your partner might be experiencing betrayal trauma and are trying to make sense of their world. They need to know they are not crazy for feeling what they do, and you can help by speaking in ways that make them feel normal for feeling what they do. One good way to do this is a statement such as “it makes sense you are feeling this fear or anger because of what I have done in the past”.
Hopefully, these practical tips can help you build trust with your partner after betrayal. Every relationship is different and it will be important for you to use good judgement on what you feel will work best in your circumstance. There is a good chance you will need additional help as you navigate this process, and if so, a therapist at the Center for Integrative Change can help. Please reach out to us today for support!
About the Author
Alex Primo is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Integrative Change. With training in EMDR and additional training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, he finds great joy in helping men break out of the cycle of unwanted sexual behavior, and helping couples restore trust and intimacy. When he is not seeing clients, he enjoys playing board games with his family, learning magic tricks, and rooting for the Dodgers.
