Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma can occur in any committed relationship, heterosexual as well as same-sex relationships. Experiencing betrayal trauma is like stumbling over a secret version of the story you thought you had been living with your partner.
Say, for instance, I am married to my partner who works full time (and perhaps I work too), and we have a very fun life together; we might even have a family. But one day, I get on our computer and the page that is left open is one that is a dating site advertising women who are looking for “action.” At first, I may say to myself, “Huh, what’s this all about...?” But as I take a closer look, I see that it is my partner who generated the search, and I notice that he has a history full of other nasty sites. Wait, why is he on this site? I thought we were in an exclusive committed relationship. I thought I was enough.
This is the shock of what is known as “discovery” in betrayal trauma.
This is the feeling of oxygen leaving the room while you are left gasping for air to breathe. It’s an emotional implosion that has your mind going over every detail of your life and experiences with the partner you thought you knew so deeply. Everything comes to a screeching halt. Eventually, as with any kind of grief you will cycle from shock to denial, “This can’t be true, my partner will certainly clear all of this up…” Now, I am flooded with anger.
At this stage, I may be so irritated that I go on a spending spree or vent on social media for some short-term relief. If the anger turns inward, I may turn that rage on myself; “How could I have missed this? I am so stupid.” Kubler-Ross is the author of what we now know as the “grief cycle.” She describes how most of us will cycle through shock, denial, anger, bargaining, and acceptance.
After anger, the next stop could be “depression,” which is that sense of unraveling or hopelessness. “Bargaining” is another stage that describes the struggle to make meaning of the devastation that has happened. It may cause a partner to look to themselves for a solution, thinking perhaps if I was more seductive or more beautiful or handsome or lower maintenance or had a better career, and the list goes on.
The last phase is called “acceptance” and by far this is the goal of grieving, to come to the place where you can abandon the hope that the past could have been any different. It is a jagged pill to swallow for most partners because it is difficult to accept that we didn’t cause it, we can’t control it and unfortunately, we can’t cure it. Especially not in isolation.
You are not alone.
If you are experiencing any of these phases because of your partner’s betrayal, you are not alone, and this emotional roller coaster is real. Partners will benefit from speaking to a therapist who can validate their experience and offer compassionate empathy along with effective ways to cope during a profoundly confusing time.
This does not need to be the end of a relationship but rather the beginning of taking that first step toward relational healing with the goal of a stronger partnership built on trust and honesty.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
