What to Expect When Starting Couples Counseling
What to Expect When Starting Couples Counseling
Okay, you know you need to schedule a couples counseling appointment because things have been tough. Whether it’s a rough patch or a crisis moment, or even just wanting to learn how to maintain a healthy relationship, starting couples counseling can be intimidating. Thoughts going through your head might include, “What if the therapist judges me for staying in the relationship?” “What if my partner and the therapist gang up on me?” or even just plain old “Does this even work?”. These fears are completely valid if you don’t know what to expect. While every therapist has their own way of doing things, let me share what you can expect when you book a couples counseling appointment with me. I hope to ease some of your anxiety when starting this journey.
Why I Do This
I love couples’ work because I believe that humans were created for relationships (romantic or otherwise) and that having a healthy and loving relationship can be one of the most sacred and healing parts of life. With this being said, coming to couples counseling is not a guarantee that your relationship will or even should work. However, it is my pleasure to hold hope for you and teach you some practical skills to better understand one another’s inner worlds.
Crisis Work
Oftentimes couples come to me when they are in crisis. This can look like finding out about an affair or discovering a secret that has been kept hidden. In these moments, it is my goal to provide empathy and understanding to both partners in the relationship. This means that I am not going to invalidate either partner’s experience of the traumatic event. However, I will take extra care with the betrayed partner and further assess for betrayal trauma (which is sort of like PTSD from the betrayal).
If betrayal trauma is present, I will provide psychoeducation on what this means and how the other partner needs to specifically support the partner who is having the trauma response. Regardless of the presence of betrayal trauma, I will help both partners create some immediate boundaries that help with a sense of safety. From here, I will determine what aspects of the assessment phase are appropriate to integrate into our work at this point.
Assessment Phase
I have training in the research-based Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, and I follow the 3 assessment sessions model. For your very first couples session, I will meet with both partners, get to know the reason why you are pursuing couples counseling, and ask you questions about your story. For example, “What is the timeline of your relationship?” This session is all about me getting to know you, and you have the opportunity to ask any questions that you may have. After this session, I will send both partners an email link to an extensive relationship assessment. This assessment costs $39 at the time of writing, which covers the cost of the assessment for both partners. Both partners need to fill out this assessment before the third assessment session.
Our second session together would actually be split into two individual sessions. For example, I would see one partner for the first 25 minutes and the next partner for the second 25 minutes. This is so I can ask some more specific questions about family background and their own experience in the relationship. One thing important to note is that I have a no-secrets policy when working with couples. This means that I will not keep a secret for one partner from the other partner. It is my professional opinion that this destroys the integrity of the therapy.
Our third assessment session is where I go over the results of your online relationship assessment. I will do this by using a model called the Sound Relationship House, which breaks your relationship into 9 different categories: Knowing each other’s inner worlds, sharing fondness and admiration, turning towards one another, having a positive perspective of the relationship, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, sharing meaning, trust, and commitment. I will go through and explain each of these categories as well as your relationship’s specific strengths and areas of growth in each of these categories. With this, I will share some helpful techniques that we can learn in order to help in each category that requires growth.
The Relationship House
Treatment Phase
After finishing the assessment phase, the bulk of our work will be done in what is called the treatment phase. In my experience, this phase can last anywhere from 3 months to 3 years. It is here where we will get into the nitty gritty patterns that are unhelpful in your relationship and learn how to break these cycles. This can look very practical such as practicing conversations in sessions and following along guided workbook pages to help solve a problem. This can also be time where we spend doing less “practical” work and spend more time exploring emotions and belief systems. Most likely, it will be a combination of both. If the relationship is stable enough to do so, I will also often assign homework assignments for my couples to practice throughout the week.
Termination Phase
As a therapist, it is my goal to work myself out of a job. If together we feel like the relationship goals are being met, my first step would be to start decreasing the frequency of sessions. Studies show that the relapse rate for couples therapy is significantly less when treatment is tapered off instead of a harsh cut off. For example, if we are meeting weekly, we might change our sessions to bi-monthly, then monthly, and then maybe even once every 3 months.
If my couple has decided to end their relationship, I will work with them to have an amicable split and work on any issues that may now arise, such as coparenting.
Next Steps
This is an outline of what to expect in hopes to ease some of your worries about starting couples therapy, but of course it will always be tailored to what you specifically need. If you think couples counseling would be a helpful next step, please reach out to our Care Specialist, Lethia. If you have further questions of what couples counseling might look like for you specifically, I would love to schedule a free 15 minute consultation with you.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
