Setting Limits
Setting limits.
Easier to know them, harder to apply them.
I remember when I had this huge belief that setting limits for myself was selfish and outside of all judgments that I thought I was receiving, I thought it would also result in not being loved. I couldn’t stop asking myself why?
Why do I have to be so weak? Why does this person have this power over me?
And just because we have a hard time saying no doesn't mean I am saying yes!
I realized that most of the time, we are afraid of being judged, of not being loved. Often, it could be that we didn't learn to say no when we were young to avoid disappointing them. It could be as well as we learn to please others, and now that we want to change, we are scared. What if they don’t like us that much anymore because of all of these new boundaries? What if they don’t love or accept the person I want to be?
With a step back, I realized that setting limits doesn't mean rejecting others or being less generous to them; it means stopping rejecting yourself and starting to be more generous to yourself. In order to recognize our personal limits, it is important to listen to our instincts and pay attention to our feelings. Our boundaries help us define ourselves as individuals. By clearly asserting our limits, we teach others about our limits, whether they are physical, emotional, social, mental, and/or spiritual. Having clear boundaries allows us to feel unique while being engaged in interpersonal relationships with other people.
Until we learn to clearly set our boundaries early in and throughout any relationship, our ability to set our limits is directly proportional to our self-esteem: the more we respect ourselves, the easier it will be to set our limits.
How?
Unfortunately, I don’t have a magic recipe for self-esteem or the good/right boundaries. However, how I learn to know and respect them is to:
Focus on self-awareness;
Focus on myself rather than others;
Learn to trust and respect others;
Develop an attitude of self-responsibility;
Affirm my boundaries clearly.
It may seem easy, complicated, depending on where/what/who is the person you are trying to set boundaries.
A simple example for me was affirming and correcting my first name. I remember I used to let people ‘’mess up’’ my name because I knew it wasn’t common, and I was shy depending on who it was to tell them no; this is how you pronounce it. Repeating or correcting people several times a day made me ashamed at times and upset/mad with my mom. Why did she name me like that? Simple? Maybe for some people, but for me, this was the first step of affirming myself and owning my name, myself, as I am unique and deserve to be called by my ‘’real’’ name.
Don’t neglect yourself on a simple matter as it may seem. Little by little, with some courage, you will realize that it's not selfishness; it's self-esteem. And this could be the start of the basics of happiness in the relationship with others and, most importantly, the basics of respecting yourself and showing yourself the love you deserve.
About The Author
Lethia is the Client Care Specialist for the Center for Integrative Change. She completed her Bachelor Degree in Social Work at the University of Quebec, in Canada. Her primary passions are families and the well-being of the community, but no matter who she is working with she always strive to meet each person with compassion and full attention.