Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: Taking Ownership and Supporting Your Partner's Healing
Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal: Taking Ownership and Supporting Your Partner's Healing
Betrayal in a relationship can lead to profound pain and trauma for both partners. As the betrayer, you may feel guilt, shame, and confusion about how to move forward and begin the process of healing with your partner. Rebuilding trust requires more than just an apology. It demands deep introspection, taking responsibility for the harm you've caused, and active participation in your partner’s healing journey.
One of the most significant frameworks for understanding the impact of betrayal trauma comes from Dr. Omar Minwalla’s work, which emphasizes the necessity of recognizing the trauma inflicted on the betrayed partner. According to Minwalla, betrayal trauma is not merely a relational issue but a psychological wound that can have lasting effects on the emotional and mental well-being of the betrayed partner (Minwalla, 2012).
In this blog post, we'll explore how you, as the betraying partner, can take ownership of your actions and rebuild trust through understanding the trauma you've caused, offering genuine support, and committing to sustained change.
The Importance of Taking Full Responsibility
According to Minwalla’s Betrayal Trauma Model, betrayal isn't just a singular act of infidelity; it is a series of ongoing deceptions, lies, and emotional manipulations that often leave the betrayed partner feeling confused and gaslit. Recognizing the full scope of your betrayal is the first step toward healing.
Taking ownership means more than admitting to the betrayal. It involves:
Acknowledging the pain you have caused, without minimizing it.
Avoiding blame-shifting or justifying your actions.
Recognizing the ongoing impact of betrayal on your partner’s emotional health.
Key Point: Minwalla emphasizes that taking ownership requires recognizing that betrayal trauma involves not just a violation of trust but also a violation of psychological safety and security in the relationship. You need to understand that your actions have caused profound harm, and you must be prepared to face this reality head-on (Minwalla, 2012).
Steps to Take Ownership and Rebuild Trust
Rebuilding trust is a long-term process that requires consistency and commitment. Here are practical steps to take ownership of your actions and begin the journey of healing:
1. Be Transparent and Honest
Transparency is crucial in rebuilding trust. Full disclosure of the betrayal, when done safely and with professional guidance, can be the foundation of trust restoration. Holding back information or continuing deceptive behavior only prolongs the trauma for your partner.
What to Do: Be prepared for tough conversations and answer your partner’s questions honestly.
Why It Matters: Research shows that couples who work toward complete transparency in their communication recover better from infidelity (Gordon et al., 2004).
2. Show Empathy
Empathy is understanding your partner’s pain and showing that you are attuned to their emotional state. This means validating their feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion without trying to “fix” or rush their healing process.
What to Do: Listen actively, acknowledge their pain, and avoid being defensive.
Why It Matters: Empathy is essential for emotional healing in romantic relationships (Johnson, 2013).
3. Commit to Consistent Behavior
Your words mean little without actions. Trust is rebuilt when your partner sees consistent behavior over time. This means living out your commitment to change, both in large actions and small daily decisions.
What to Do: Follow through on promises, demonstrate accountability, and show up reliably.
Why It Matters: Consistent actions over time will help rebuild trust far more effectively than any single grand gesture (Gordon et al., 2004).
4. Seek Professional Help Together
Healing from betrayal trauma often requires outside support. Therapy can provide a structured environment for both partners to process their feelings, work on rebuilding trust, and communicate in healthier ways. Minwalla’s Betrayal Trauma Model advocates for professional intervention, not just for the betraying partner but for the betrayed partner as well, as they often face symptoms similar to those seen in trauma survivors.
What to Do: Consider couples therapy and individual therapy for both partners. Therapists trained in betrayal trauma, such as Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs), can be helpful.
Why It Matters: Professional guidance can help manage the overwhelming emotions involved and create a roadmap for healing (Minwalla, 2012).
5. Understand Your Partner’s Need for Boundaries
After betrayal, the betrayed partner often needs space and boundaries to feel safe. These boundaries might feel restrictive, but they are essential for creating emotional security. Respecting these boundaries shows that you are committed to their healing and willing to prioritize their emotional needs.
What to Do: Honor their requests for space, and follow any agreed-upon boundaries without resistance.
Why It Matters: Boundaries give your partner a sense of control and safety, which is crucial in the healing process (Gordon et al., 2004).
6. Take Responsibility for Your Own Healing
As the betraying partner, it’s important to work on your own healing. Often, betrayal is rooted in unresolved issues within yourself. Addressing your own patterns, behaviors, and emotional wounds is crucial not just for your own growth, but also for creating a healthier dynamic in the relationship.
What to Do: Engage in individual therapy, explore the underlying reasons for your actions, and commit to personal growth.
Why It Matters: Your partner needs to see that you are taking concrete steps to become a better, more reliable person, which will help them feel safer over time (Johnson, 2013).
Supporting Your Partner’s Healing from Betrayal Trauma
Minwalla’s research highlights that partners who have been betrayed often experience symptoms of trauma, including hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, and emotional dysregulation. Here’s how you can support their healing:
- Be Patient
Healing from trauma takes time. Your partner may experience emotional highs and lows, and their healing process may not align with your expectations. Be prepared for setbacks and moments of emotional intensity.
- Offer Reassurance Without Expectation
Your partner may need to hear that you are committed to rebuilding trust multiple times. Offering reassurance is important, but it should come from a place of compassion, not frustration or impatience.
- Avoid Defensiveness
Your partner’s pain will not disappear quickly. When they express hurt, resist the urge to become defensive. Defensive responses only invalidate their emotions and reinforce the pain of the betrayal.
- Create a Safe Environment for Healing
Trust and emotional safety are rebuilt when you create an environment where your partner can express their pain without fear of judgment or retaliation. This might involve being fully present during difficult conversations, offering non-judgmental support, and avoiding dismissive comments (Minwalla, 2012).
Moving Forward Together
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is challenging, but it is possible. By taking full ownership of your actions, showing empathy, committing to change, and actively supporting your partner’s healing, you can create a pathway toward rebuilding the relationship.
Healing is not a linear process, and it’s important to recognize that both you and your partner will need time, patience, and professional support to navigate this difficult journey. Minwalla’s work underscores the importance of seeing betrayal not just as an event, but as a trauma with deep psychological consequences. By understanding this, you can move forward with greater awareness and sensitivity, creating the conditions for true healing and trust restoration.
Peer-Reviewed Resources
Minwalla, O. (2012). Betrayal Trauma: The Impact of Sexual Betrayal on Partners and Families. Journal of Family Therapy.
Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213-231.
Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Little, Brown and Company.G
About the Author
Spencer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (CALMFT141641) and Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist Candidate supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. He has focused his career on helping individuals and couples break free and heal from unwanted sexual behaviors. Spencer is motivated by the hope and restoration he has found in his own journey toward healing. When he is not helping others in, or producing content about this field, he enjoys running, traveling, and discovering local eateries with loved ones.
