Empathy How-To in Early Recovery
Empathy How-To in Early Recovery
Early recovery is a time of great learning and shifting. There seems to be so much to catch up on, so much you’ve missed out on while in active addiction.
If you are in a romantic relationship, developing empathy slides to the top of your list, as your partner demands to be seen and heard, as you work to establish emotional safety and make a living amends.
But what is empathy and where are the How-To instructions? To get started, here is a simple and helpful definition: “The ability to understand and feel the feelings of another” (Oxford Languages).
Here is why it’s so hard to have empathy in early recovery: When we have suppressed our feelings for so long, we don’t understand and feel our own emotions, let alone understand and feel the feelings of another! The good news is: we can learn the skills of empathy, just as we can learn to understand and feel our own feelings again. By doing so, not only do we and our partner benefit, but we experience relational joy*.
Let’s get practical, in order to have empathy for another, it helps to begin by having empathy for ourselves:
Begin to grow your emotional vocabulary using an emotion wheel*. Being able to accurately name the range of your emotions is empowering and relieving.
Do a daily feelings check-in. Stop and take out your wheel, ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” Don’t be surprised or alarmed to discover that you may be feeling many feelings at once, that’s normal. Even small twinges of feelings count and are significant, all feelings are welcome at check-in!
Once you know what you’re feeling, take an extra minute to assure yourself that what you are feeling makes sense, we call this “validating” feelings. This is the part where you work on understanding your feelings. Giving yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgement.
Emotions are data points. Once you know what you feel, you can ask yourself: what do I need right now? Wait for the answer and honor it.
Now that you are in tune with your own emotions and have practiced showing compassion for yourself, repeat all of the above in the direction of your partner.
Let me spell this out for you:
Do a feelings check-in with your partner regularly: ask your partner to share what they are feeling with you, you can even bring your emotion wheel along, to help them name their feeling! (This will show you’re really invested and present!)
Validate the feelings which your partner shares and let them know that you understand that they’d be feeling that way, it makes sense and is valid! Ask them deepening questions, like: “Tell me more about that, I want to understand this better.”
Ask them what they need from you, how you can help them feel better. Hint: partners often just want to know that you are there, that you are listening, that you hear them, they don’t generally need their feelings “fixed”, they need to be seen and heard!
Avoid this pitfall:
Sometimes (ok, very often!) when we are listening to our partner, defensive feelings of our own show up, our own anger, shame, inferiority etc. get stirred up. It is crucial to prepare yourself for an empathetic conversation by asking your anger, shame and defensive parts to step aside so you can show up in that conversation ready to listen exclusively to your partner. Please make sure to process the feelings that did come up later, they too are valid and worthy of being heard and understood!
Remember:
Although all feelings are important, empathy is showing up to be with ANOTHER in THEIR feelings.
Of course, this article is an oversimplification of the complexity of empathy, but I hope it is a good start as you reconnect with yourself and others in early recovery.
To delve deeper and to learn more, here are some resources that can be helpful:
Emotion wheel*:
Brenee brown clip on the difference between empathy and sympathy:
Article:
Empathy: How to Feel and Respond to the Emotions of Others
Fanos: A helpful daily check-in for couples in recovery:
FANOS: A daily conversation to keep current — Hope House
Relational Joy by Terry Real*
Please reach out to our Client Care Specialist here at CIC to learn more about empathy and help on how to recover with the help of our therapists or myself.
About The Author
Shoshana is a licensed clinician (ASAT) supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT (LMFT 90961). Shoshana works primarily with individual adults. Her experience includes trauma, sex addiction, betrayal trauma, as well as a variety of mental health concerns. Shoshana enjoys exploring new adventures in nature and spending time with family and friends.
