Are You Listening?
Are You Listening?
We have all heard this statement before. Perhaps our partner notices we are not fully engaged, and the next thing that comes out of their mouth is… you guessed it! “Are you listening?”
This phrase is used a ton in our culture, but what does it actually mean? Instead of getting into a fancy explanation of what listening means, I want to get practical with it and describe what it looks like in a relationship. First, let me paint you a picture.
It’s 7:00 PM, my wife and I are eating dinner together and she is in the middle of sharing her feelings about something important. As she is still sharing, I finish my dinner and decide to get up and start cleaning the kitchen. How noble of me, right? I begin washing dishes with pots and pans clanging when my wife asks me, “are you listening?” My answer? Yes! I then finish cleaning the kitchen and sit on the couch with her where she continues to share. I am sitting in a slouched position while the back of my head rests on the cushion. My wife asks me, “are you even listening?” My answer? Yes. Now, am I really listening? No! Certainly not in a way that results in her feeling heard because my body language communicates it all.
Telltale Signs of Listening
In our romantic relationships we might be able to fool ourselves into thinking we are being attentive, and that we are master multi-taskers, but our partner can see right through it. The reality is that our body posture and a few other things communicate whether we are actually present.
The following are some practical tips for you (and your partner) to know you are listening.
1. Eye Contact – Look at your partner’s eyes when they are speaking. When your eyes are focused on them and not on other things, both of you will know you are “with” them.
2. Body Position – Sit with an open, upright posture where you are facing your partner with your arms uncrossed. This communicates that you actually want to be there and are interested in what they have to say.
3. Minimal Encouragement – This is therapist lingo, but it just means saying “mmhmm”, “yeah”, and nodding your head once in a while so you both know you’re there. No one likes to talk to a wall, so don’t be one!
4. Put Your Phone Down – This one is easier said than done. If you’re anything like me, you might need to put it in the other room. Sure, there is a lot going on in the world, but let’s make our partner the most important thing going on in that moment.
Practice, Practice, Practice
This may all seem like common sense, but maybe this was never taught or even modeled to you. With that said, go easy on yourself (and your partner) as you both put these things into practice. This is certainly not an exhaustive list, but it’s probably a good start. So, next time your partner says “are you listening?”, what will your answer be?
If you are having conflict or communication issues, or find it difficult to overcome a particular obstacle, we are here for you.
About the Author
Alex Primo is a licensed marriage and family therapist at the Center for Integrative Change. With training in EMDR and additional training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, he finds great joy in helping men break out of the cycle of unwanted sexual behavior, and helping couples restore trust and intimacy. When he is not seeing clients, he enjoys playing board games with his family, learning magic tricks, and rooting for the Dodgers.
