Alice in Wonderland
You’re not the Same as You Were Before...
In the movie called Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp, Alice is told by the Mad Hatter that she has lost her “muchness.” He was referring to Alice’s courage and bravery that enabled her to “slay” the Jabberwocky and put an end to the tyranny of the Red Queen. It was this core trait that made Alice such a hero. The Mad Hatter is reminding her about a time when she was fearless and strong in the face of adversity and confusion.
Alice: “Wait you can’t leave me here!”
Mad Hatter: “You don’t slay. Do you have any idea what the Red Queen has done? “You don’t slay.”
Alice: “I couldn’t if I wanted to.”
Mad Hatter: “You’re not the same as you were before...You were much more muchier.” “You’ve lost your muchness.”Alice: “My muchness?”
Mad Hatter: “In there, something’s missing...”
Alice: “Tell me what the Red Queen has done.”
Click here to see the actual clip!
Watching this scene brought deep reflections about muchness with regard to partners struggling with betrayal trauma.
In that first stage (I like to refer to it as discovery), a partner is thrown into a vortex of confusion, devastation, and severe grief that accompanies betrayal. A partner loses who he or she is, their muchness. The shock of finding out that the life you once knew is not ever going to be the same leaves a partner bewildered, resentful, and sometimes hypervigilant. A partner struggling with betrayal trauma is understandably uncertain of the future and not sure if she or he can make it through each day that passes. They have lost their muchness in so many ways. Like Alice, she has the same question: “My muchness?”
The betrayed partner has forgotten themselves in the mix of feeling sad, angry, and grief-stricken.
Life’s purpose and meaning are unknown and unraveling day by day. It feels like going through the motions, one day merging into the next. As you pursue your own healing journey, you can unlock your personal power and make the necessary changes to create the life you deserve. Speaking to a therapist is the first step in promoting healthy self-esteem, self-awareness, and resiliency. This is not an easy journey to take but a necessary one so that whether you decide to remain in your relationship or not, healing and self-growth are restored. Without it, relationships can get stuck. Nothing changes when nothing changes. Change is inevitable when you decide to restore and rebuild the old structure and learn new ways to be in a relationship with your authentic self. Change is the catalyst to uncovering your purpose and meaning.
And like Alice, you can become someone who finds your muchness again.
About The Author
Sandi Timmer is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC 7006) and a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist candidate. She is supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT (CA90961) at the Center for Integrative Change. Sandi works with adult men and women and she is also offering counseling services to couples. She is equipped to counsel clients who are struggling with substance or process addictions. Sandi has extensive training for partners experiencing betrayal trauma. She also has experience in supporting survivors of domestic violence and elementary school age children suffering from various academic problems stemming from challenging family systems.
