We Became Parents But When Did We Become Roommates
We became parents but when did we become roommates?
It’s the end of the day. One of your kids threw up, you have a pile of laundry to do, your thoughts are still on work, dishes from dinner haven’t been done and there’s some unidentified food stuck in your hair. After the kids have gone to bed maybe you have an hour or two to yourself. Do you sleep? Spend that time cleaning? Watch your favorite show? Or do you turn over look at your partner and decide to connect?
Many of us choose rest, zoning out, getting our “me” time in. Let’s say this becomes a habit, night after night you and your partner are in bed staring at your phones or watching separate tv shows next to each other. Your partner is inches away from you but might as well be on a different continent. When was the last time we felt sex appeal? When was the last time we made eye contact in a way that felt romantic? Was it always like this? Didn’t we used to be exciting and fun?
In Mating in Captivity by Esther Perrel, she discusses the balance between desire and security, eroticism and the mundane. We often develop a synchronicity with our partners that creates functionality in the home but a loss in the bedroom. We come to see our partners as predictable companions, parents, co-workers, and teammates. This might be the safety that we long for and need, especially when we are running at full-speed with full-time work and a family. Yet it does not often produce passion or intimacy for the union. Desire lives in uncertainty and is even somewhat anxiety-producing. Desire happens when our partner is a separate entity. It happens when our partners individuate from to union, when their qualities are complex, and when there is an amount of mystery to their persona. Think of all the times you’ve had passionate interaction, was there not an element of uncertainty? Will they or won’t they touch my back or my hand as it gets closer to theirs? Was there a moment when you saw them look or speak a certain way that drew you in? Maybe there was even a time when your partner was telling a story you’ve heard a thousand times but this time the crowd was engaged, laughing and attentive and you suddenly remember a quality about them you’re so attracted to?
This is not to say that all lust goes out the window the minute we say “I do.” It’s more of a question within the paradox, how do we create this element of unpredictability to rekindle the erotic spark needed in our relationship?
Here’s a few suggestions:
Create a sacred space for intimacy
Schedule date nights. They are a need as much as exercise or hydration is a need. Your relationship needs the space for connection in order to feel intimacy and attraction to your partner. When you do find time for that connection, ask your partner questions with genuine curiosity. You both grow, evolve, and change. Understand your partner from a different lens. You are both complex beings that do not exist in the vacuum of your home, nor do you have to be simplified by your familial roles. Identify rituals for connection. This could be as simple as a 10 second hug when you first see each other at the end of the day or 10-minute check-in where you do not talk about work or the kids.
Revive your individuality
I’d like to preface this by saying I recognize that it is not always realistic to find time or money to have a sitter or to switch off the kids with our partner. However, I maintain that it’s essential to have space for ourselves. Too often the first thing to go when something has to give is something we had planned for ourselves. Checking in with ourselves and making sure we are creating boundaries when necessary is part of self-preservation. If we are constantly depleting ourselves of energy because we are attending to everyone else’s needs at work or at home, we will have nothing left over for ourselves. Desire and creativity are friends and when we have even a little space to feed our body, mind and spirit, we expand our capacity for exploration and possibility. When we no longer feel bound by the “have to’s” of our roles, we can be open to the “I want to’s.” Not to mention our partners tend to find us more attractive when they can see our autonomy in action.
Get to know your partner’s bids for connection
We could be married for 20 years and sometimes not know that our partner is asking for connection. It can often be covert. For example, you might come home and your partner gives you a list of all the chores they did in the house and in the yard that day and you say “Wow, thank you so much!” Your partner might be disappointed if their love language is doing things for you to show how much they care. This may have been an invitation for connection or physical they were hoping to receive in their declaration of their acts of service. Talk to each other and try to understand how the other person uses their “connection language.”
There are plenty of ways to express desire at home
Let’s not forget that just because we are not on a date night does not mean that we cannot be erotic or intimate with our partner. We can tease each other, have playful interaction, we can offer small touches and entice our partners. There is a lot of desire that can happen with anticipation.
About the Author
Jenean Cervantes has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University. She helps heterosexual, queer and polyamorous couples on restoring intimacy, trust and guiding long-lasting changes to the relationship. Jenean also works with men with issues of intimacy, partner communication, emotional regulation, infidelity, childhood trauma and sex addiction. Jenean is currently receiving training in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy. Jenean also has received training in mindfulness techniques, attachment-based and psychodynamic modalities. She interacts with her clients from a trauma-informed, client-centered perspective. Off the clock she loves rock climbing, hiking, cooking, and spending time with my family.
