Telling Your Kids About Your Divorce
Telling Your Kids About Your Divorce
Going through a separation or divorce with your partner is already really difficult. Add on the stress of telling your kids—it can almost feel like too much to bear. Many people worry that they are going to “mess up” or “traumatize” their kids. While it may not be easy, there are definitely research-proven steps you can take to minimize the harmful effects on both you and your kids.
Best Case Scenario
The best-case scenario when telling your kids about your upcoming divorce would be for you and your soon-to-be-ex partner to be on the same page and come together to share with the kids what is going on. Unfortunately, that is not always possible, and ultimately we are only able to control ourselves. If your kids’ other parent is unwilling to partner with you on this, you can still follow these steps yourself, and it will still be helpful.
Before You Begin
Before you tell your kids about the upcoming divorce, it is really important that you have your own support. Whether this is a friend, family member, or a therapist, you need someone. If you are unable to regulate your own emotions when talking about the divorce or your ex-partner, that is going to put inappropriate pressure on the kids. You cannot care for your kids well if you are not caring for yourself first. It's okay to have emotions, but when you are with your kids, it’s important to be confident in your ability to control your emotions.
How to Tell Them
While there is no “perfect way” to tell your kids about your upcoming divorce, there are a couple of DOs and DON’Ts that are helpful to follow.
DO explicitly tell your kids that you love them and that your separation is not their fault. Because of kids’ not fully developed brains, they have a tendency to blame themselves for every problem that their primary caretakers (parents) have. You can try and mitigate the self-blame that kids may have by reminding them of this truth.
DO share about your divorce in a developmentally appropriate way to your kids. For example, don’t share the nitty-gritty of your partner’s flaws with your kids. This is rarely ever appropriate and makes your kids grow up too fast. Also, for younger kids, there are different resources, such as books, that you can read to them, which can be helpful.
DO try and provide consistency for your kids. There are so many changes happening for your kids when you get divorced that it is important to provide a sense of consistency as much as you can control. This can look like consistent schedules of seeing either parent, consistent rules at each house, consistent bedtimes, etc.
DO get your child extra support if you feel like they need it. There are tons of great therapists that work with small children, tweens, and teens.
DON’T speak badly about your partner in front of the kids. It may be driving you crazy because your kids seem to worship their other parent, who is the very person who has hurt you beyond belief. It may feel like you want to scream, “If the kids only knew what I knew.” This is what you tell your therapist or your friend, not your kids. In fact, Terry Real, a renowned couples therapist, says that one of the most harmful things a parent can say to their child is, “You understand me more than your mom/dad.” Not only does this put the child in an inappropriate position where they feel like they need to take care of you, but it also undermines a healthy family structure, preventing the kids from trusting that they can be cared for by their parents.
DON’T try to pretend nothing is wrong. Divorce sucks. The family dynamic changing sucks. No matter how much you try to pretend it’s a fun change, your kids will know that it is not. However, if you are adamant that nothing is wrong, your kids won’t feel like they can talk to you about how it is a hard time for them. If they are unable to talk to you about their feelings, they may internalize them, which can lead to many undesired effects.
It can be heartbreaking to watch your kids grieve your failed relationship. It can also be empowering for them if you are breaking cycles of abuse or unhealthy relationships. You will likely feel a range of emotions as you go through this process. Please reach out to a therapist or a support group if you would like more information.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
