Don’t Take it Personally: A Reflection on Where Couples Often Go Wrong
Don’t Take it Personally: A Reflection on Where Couples Often Go Wrong
As a couples therapist, I have people walk into my office for a variety of reasons, including infidelity, lack of communication skills, and differences in parenting styles—you name it. After getting to know a couple and understanding their problem, I almost always find that one issue makes things more difficult: taking things personally. Now, don’t get me wrong; this usually isn’t the only thing going awry, but it is the most common place where I see couples get stuck. So let’s talk about it.
What Does It Mean to Take Things Personally?
Taking things personally means interpreting your partner's words or actions as a direct attack on you. For example, if your partner is grunting while doing the dishes, you might hear, "I can’t believe you didn’t already do the dishes. Do you do anything right?" Another example is when your partner seems frustrated, and you automatically assume they are frustrated with you—which, in turn, makes you frustrated with them.
While sometimes things may be meant personally, more often than not, your partner is not intending to criticize you at all. When we take things personally, it results in two people having completely different conversations, leading to misunderstanding and disconnection. So how do you work through this common pitfall? Here are some tips that can help.
Identify the Areas Where You Take Things Personally
Everyone has their own triggers and sensitivities, whether they realize it or not. For example, I have always had a fear of disappointing others, so when my husband is upset, I tend to assume I have disappointed him. If I recognize that I am extra sensitive to feeling like a disappointment, I can be more aware of my assumptions and reactions.
Practice Self-Soothing
Once you recognize your triggers, you need to manage them effectively so you don’t just react, but respond thoughtfully. When our sensitivities are activated, our brain goes into defense mode. In this state, we cannot be curious because we are focused on self-protection. Before moving forward, we need to soothe ourselves and help our brain return to a state where we feel safe connecting with others. This article from Positive Psychology outlines different ways to practice self-soothing.
Be Curious
After calming your nervous system and brain, engage with your partner from a place of curiosity. Using my example from earlier, if my husband seems upset and I’m unsure why, I can ask, "Did I do something to disappoint you?" to address my specific fears or "Can you help me understand why you’re feeling upset right now?" Even if I think I know what’s going on, I need to avoid assuming and remain open to other possibilities.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked my husband if he was disappointed in me, only for him to say something like, "No, not at all. I was just thinking about how my fries had too much salt on them." I save myself a lot of frustration by being curious rather than creating a false narrative in my head. Curiosity leads to connection, while assumptions lead to disconnection.
Check for Understanding
Once you’ve asked your partner about their feelings, make sure you are actually understanding what they are saying. When there are long-standing patterns of misunderstanding, sometimes couples need to have a conversation about how they communicate. Active listening techniques can be very helpful here. A good format is: "I heard you say ____. Is that correct?"
This step is crucial because sometimes when our partner says something like, "I’m disappointed about too much salt," we hear, "I am disappointed that you didn’t ask for less salt on my fries," which is not what they meant at all. If I were to say, "Okay, I heard you say you were disappointed in me for not ordering the fries with less salt," my husband could correct me by saying, "No, I didn’t expect you to order them differently. This isn’t about you; it’s just about the salt."
Partners often need this extra step to get on the same page and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Final Thoughts
These practices may not seem particularly romantic, but I can almost guarantee they will help you feel more seen, known, and understood by your partner.
If you feel like you need extra support navigating your relationship dynamics, I would love to help. Contact our office today to set up an appointment.
About The Author
Jorden Groenink, MS, AMFT, APCC an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT136162) and an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor (APCC12906), supervised by Jeremy Mast, MS, MDiv, LMFT, CSAT, CPTT (CA90961). She has been trained in Experiential Therapy and loves working with couples and individuals who want to experience a more fulfilling life. Jorden wholeheartedly believes that every person is worthy of love and relationship. When not working with clients or listening to audiobooks, Jorden enjoys spending time with her family (husband, dog, & cat) and doing DIY projects around her house.
